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| If I Were You
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Main page / Bibliography / If I Were You
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First published in US: September 3 1931 by Doubleday Doran, Garden City, New York
First published in UK: September 25 1931 by Herbert Jenkins, London
 Russian translation
- Na vashem meste by N. Trauberg: 2003
'Kind hearts are more than coronets'
When Antony, fifth Earl of Droitwich, is spotted in the rose garden kissing Violet - rich,
beautiful and as hard-boiled as a fashion plate - his future marriage and the security
of his stately home seem certain. But when his disreputable old Nanny, Ma Price, spills
some distinctly unsavoury beans Tony's life is turned ipside down.
His new position is not so uncomfortable as his shocked family fears: he has fallen
head over heels for transatlantic charms of Polly Brown. She is a manicurist and no fit mate
for a belted earl - or is she? And is he? It will take all the efforts of Tony's brother Freddie
the Infallible, with the help of Price's Derma Vitalis hair resorter, to comb out the tangles
and find a remedy to slave everyone's pride - and their pockets.
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Click for enlarge book cover
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Characters
Anthony Claude Wilbraham Bryce, 5th Earl of Droitwich — 30 year old hero
engaged to Violet but loves Polly
Charles — Lord Droitwich's footman
Theodore Slingsby — Lord Droitwich's butler and Syd's uncle
Lady Lydia Bassinger — Lord Droitwich's aunt in her mid-forties
Hon. Frederick Chalk-Marshall — Tony's younger brother
Sir Herbert Bassinger — Lydia's husband
Violet Waddington — Tall, slender and beautiful heiress engaged to Tony
Tubby, Lord Bridgnorth — Freddie's friend and gossip writer
G.G. Waddington — Violet's father, a millionaire of the 97 Soups
(Ma) Bella Price — Tony's nurse and Slingsby's sister
Sydney Lancelot Price — A Socialist barber in Knightsbridge who
thinks he's the real Lord Droitwich
Polly Brown — Heroine American manicurist at Syd's shop with
brains. Loves Tony.
George Christopher Meech — Barber in Syd's shop
Luella Beamish — Tubby's American Fiancee
J.G. Weatherby — Lawyer for Lord Droitwich
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 Synopsis
Obviously fleshed out from a play-script. Act 1 Country House, 2, Barber
shop in Knightsbridge, 3, Country House. This time the old nannie is chief
trouble-maker and flywheel for the plot. Mrs Price, something of a drunk,
sister of Slingsby the butler, had been nannie to the fifth Earl of
Droitwich and is mother of Syd who runs a successful hair-dressing
establishment in Knightsbridge. Or is it the other way round? Was there a
cradle-swap? Is cockney Syd the rightful earl and charming aristo Tony the
rightful barber? Ma Price knows the answer and Tony's relatives have,
behind Tony's back, bribed and pensioned her to keep her mouth shut. But
alcohol opens it and Syd is going to take his case - backed by a strong
likeness to one of the early earls in the portrait gallery - to the House
of Lords. Tony is happy enough to lose the earldom because it will free him
of his engagement to Violet, haughty daughter and heiress of Waddington's
Ninety-Seven Soups. He has fallen in love with sweet Polly Brown, American,
manicurist in Price's Hygienic Toilet Saloon of Mott Street, Knightsbridge.
Well, who is the fifth earl of Droitwich today? And who's the countess? And
who's making a million out of Price's newly patented Derma Vitalis Hair
Tonic?
Source: Richard Usborne. Plum Sauce. A P G Wodehouse Companion.
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